reviewed by Loy

Directed by Zack Snyder
Written by Zack Snyder, Kurt Johnstad, and Michael Gordon
Based on a graphic novel by Frank Miller and Lynn Varley

     First of all, to walk in expecting a major epic to stand the test of time is to await for disappointment.  I mean, in comparison to, say, “Spartacus” (or even *shiver* “Gladiator”), “300” fails.

     To be honest, “300” is a popcorn film in lines with “The Mummy” or any of Jean Claude Van Dammes masochistic fantasies.  The problem-it fails getting over even THAT low bar.

     The story (or as little as I got from watching it) is that these ginormous Aryan god things go out and slaughter a bunch of Mongloid degenerates because, well, that’s what Aryans and Mongloids have to do to each other, all excuses aside.  I also think “300” might be a reference to the number of soldiers in one of the armies. 

     Some comic dorks might think I’m being slight, and I really don’t give a shit.  See, I’ll admit something-I never read Frank Millers comics anymore.  I’ll admit something else that’ll give me grief over the next 20 years-for the most part, I never gave a shit about Frank Millers works.  Aside from a few flashes of brilliance (“100 Bullets” and “Mike Danger” specifically), I find his works similar to a lot of the anime most people go for-big on visuals, short on anything else (like, for example, internal logic, or characters) that would make me care.  “Dark Knight Returns” is a good example of why I hate Miller-it’s a treat to look at, but I had to reread it a few times for the story.  Not because it was so “complex” or anything like that, but because it was so badly told that I forgot all about it about 2 seconds after I finished it.  And after I was able to sift through the storyline, I realized that it was thin.  And not thin because Miller was gunning for some kind of “minimalist” approach (in order for this approach to work, one has to create, not borrow, a depth to the characters they portray) but because Miller doesn’t know HOW to tell a story.  He just knows how to come up with cool visuals.

     To see this, just watch “Sin City”.  Whilst Miller revels in its over-the-top violence and a 12-year-olds version of sensuality, Rodriguez (also a man who revels in over-the-top violence and a 12-year-olds version of sensuality), through his stylization and technical genius was able to bring the satiric aspects of the story to the fore.  (Ironically, a problem I’ve always had with Rodriguez is his inability to tell a story.  By working with Miller, both came out of “Sin City” with the film being apex of both their careers.  Artistically, if not financially)

     Now, whether “300” (the comic) also had satiric aspects, I can’t say for sure (“300” came out after I gave up on Miller).  I can see there being plenty of opportunity for it (the over-the-top violence, the racist make-up of the participants, the fact that the latent homoeroticism, a major aspect of sword-and-sandal epics of the past, was turned on its head to say “homos reach a fuller appreciation of their sexuality by staying in the closet”, the fact that this is based on a history that not only is a bit iffy, but straight out false….oh the possibilities are endless).  What I don’t see is Zack Snyder having the talent, ability, or intelligence to be able to grab onto them…or even onto anything other than new way of shooting a disembowelment. 

     In fact, Zack Snyder is guilty of something even worse than making a bad movie-he’s guilty of making a pretentiously bad movie.  It’s a popcorn film that thinks it’s something more.  As I’ve said in the past, it’s OK to like good films and bad films, it’s just not OK to not differentiate the two.  As for popcorn films that try to go higher…hell, John Woo’s “The Killer” is my number 8 film of all time (much higher than the film it remade, just to kill off any future talk about how I dislike remakes).  But here’s what separates Woo (at least pre-Hollywood castration Woo) from Snyder-Woo actually understood things outside of geek-clique perspectives.  He was able to reach higher with “The Killer” (or “Hard Boiled”…or “Better Tomorrow”…or “Bullet In The Head”) because he had a life that didn’t include trying to impress fanboys all over.  In other words, he injected his true personality into popcorn flicks without thinking “what’ll the guys at Aintitcool say?”.  A film-maker working on a popcorn film can’t make it anything more without (irony totally meant) disemboweling their soul for others to see.

     Snyder might have injected his personality into “300”…I doubt it.  Instead, what’s up for all to see is a hack who failed at making a good movie…or even a decent one.  The fact that I kept thinking “when is Michael Bay gonna do another ‘Bad Boys’ sequel?  I’d rather be watching that now” should say something.  The fact that I forgot everything except the disembowelments as soon as I got up from my seat should say something else.  And the fact that it’s already made $70 million…well, just like Dane Cook, “300” justifies me ignoring other peoples’ opinions about…well, most things (FYI-if you REALLY want chills down your spine, watch “300”, and then understand that Snyder is the man who’s gonna helm “The Watchmen”.  You’ll automatically start imagining all the ways that hack’s gonna ruin it).  The only thing that really gave me comfort about the “300” experience is this-I was able to call it a “piece of shit”.  Come on fanboys, are you man enough to do the same?